I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We are two peas in an std pod
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
