Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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