i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
