I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
