I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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