Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
