There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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