the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Randomize
