My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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