note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Woke up backwards on a recliner
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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