My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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