I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize