Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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