So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
