I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
