I wish I could punch you in the face.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
