i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
