I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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