Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
