We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
