Little spoons don't ask big questions
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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