girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
