My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
