i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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