Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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