Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he was CRYING into my vagina
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
