I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
