She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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