I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
