He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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