just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
im on a boat
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