What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
