How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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