there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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