I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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