apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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