Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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