True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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