Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
