i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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