Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
