Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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