you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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