I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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