Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize