My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
