someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
