i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
