I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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