Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
