Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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