I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
