you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize