I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
