If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize