I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
