i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
