Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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